sleeping 
sweetly heavy 
small baby body 
pudgy and plump 
damp hair and fat lips 
clutching me 
kissing me 
mama i love you 
my heart melts

i was thinking about this yesterday... is it about getting presents from your man and kids? is it about cards and cakes and all that commercial stuff? is it about being told happy mothers day? yay my kids told me... yay i was spoiled... 

for me yesterday was about introspection and profound thought, also alot of soul searching and grieving...

was i deserving of a happy mothers day? was i a good mother? was i a good mother to my children? was my mother a good mother to me? 

so many thoughts and feelings. i have been going thru what i truly think is the most hard life changing year of my life. i have had to confront alot of things about myself and to be honest about alot of unpleasant things. i have to face the truth about me and who i am and as an extension how that person made me the wife and mother that i am. 

i have accepted that i have not been the best most perfect mother, i have accepted that sometimes my children got left behind in my pursuit of escapism, i have accepted that i am not perfect, i have accepted that my parents are not there for me, i have accepted that it is their own issues that prevent them from being the best parent they can to me. i have accepted that i have been unhealthy. i have accepted responsibility for my actions. i have humbled myself and my motherhood and realized that while all these things are true, i have also done so much good and i have tried and i have been aware. i have persued healthy teachings, i have been to counselling and parenting groups. i have taught myself to be a better mom and wife and Sacheen. 

i am so proud of that. i am proud of what i have done and accomplished. my kids for all thier 'problems' have all turned out pretty damned good and i am proud of the job i did all these years and i am proud of them. i am proud of myself. i am the product of countless generations of dysfunctionalism and oppression and i have had no guidance or teachings from my parents or grandparents... but i have had others in my life who have been there for me and didnt judge me and gave me good advice when i needed it and was there for me unconditionaly throughout everything. thank you i am greatful...

so my conclusion is mothers day isnt really about us its about our kids (for me anyways) and i honor them and love them and am grateful i have them

Letitia thank you so much for being you, we had some rough times with you and you were our first teenager and we had so much heartbreak and joy with you. you taught us alot about patience and letting go and they were lessons well learned. you are fun and helpful and willing to try and that makes all the difference in life! your an amazing mother and i am happy you are in my life and are my daughter :) drama mama :P

Damon you are a little Joe James and you make me laugh you are still making your way in life and learning about growing up and being a man and we are here for you whenever you need us, we are only a phone call or an email away. your talent with the guitar amazes me and i know you will take this potential far in life. you can be anything you want and i am proud of the brother you are. your goodness shines thru even when you are being annoying :P lmao

Sabre you have always have had a very pragmatic way about you and a depth of thought that i find very mature in such a young man. your sense of humor is very quirky and wry and i cant wait to meet the man you are becoming. life is about experiences good and bad and we are always here for you if you need it. dont be afraid to reach out son nothing but good can come it! we still love you even if you laugh at your own dumb jokes :P

Scarlette you have been my best friend and my practice baby lol we have been thru so much together and are still going thru alot. you are smart and fun and me and you share the same sense of humor and craziness, if you are not making the right choices in life right now i wont judge you and i will be here when i need you. you are so full of potential and its there if you want to use it. dont be afraid to share your feelings babe its hard but worth it. hey did you hear the news? dewey cox died :P

Delzen your love and loyalty are such good qualities and i am thankful that you have them, you dont have any problems with being who you are and if everyone jumped up off a bridge you would say they were stupid :) you are very sensitive and kind and in touch with everyone elses feelings around you and i love that about you. you will make some women an awesome husband even if you are loud and obnoxious sometimes :P

Apanii my loving little butterfly fluttering about from activity to activity and often leaving a trail of what you were doing behind :) you are so touchy feely and free with your love it shows how trusting and sweet you are. you become very engrossed in what you are doing at that moment and i think that is so good even tho you often have your mouth open while you are doing it lol :P

Brat Princes Chico and Coda, Chicoda, my boys, my loves, my little men... without you i dont know where i would be... you are so caring and sweet and funny... such little characters every day with you is an adventure and a learning experience every day with you affirms that i am doing right as a mother. they say you can measure the healthiness and stability of the parents by the behavior of their toddlers and children. well then i know i have been an awesome mama, you are both so happy and loving and caring, you are both so quick to laugh and dance and smile... your little baby hugs and kisses and unconditional worship of your queen aka mama :) keep your mama going and keeping on every day... even if you are both little stinky farters :P

all my children are a blessing and i am grateful that i have a chance to be their mama and to grow with them and be with them.... i thank the creator for them every day. and if i am always trying to remember that they are young and making mistakes and learning how to be, then i can hope they can remember that me as a mama is still a human being and still growing and learning myself... as long as we are all trying then it everything will work out....

i love you guys so much, happy mothers day kids

Queen Mama

slowly in my secret heart of hearts the light lit in the little window with a view of me and my little chubby newborn girl goes dim and finally black. all the little fantasies and pictures of what she would be like and who she would be fade. I cry a little and accept she is not meant to be this time around. Goodbye little Queen Seitcham the dream of you is just that a dream. Next lifetime baby :) I have a new little Brat Prince to greet and cherish and I am greatful he is here and healthy. the light goes on in a new window and me and Spike are there wrapped in eachothers arms happy and content. full of love.

<3

written the day after his birth <3 

OMG i am so happy! i love my little son so much! 

so this is how it went down: 

i was having contactions on and off for what seems like ever LOL so i wasnt paying attention to any of them until i lost my mucous plug but even then they were so sporadic and far apart so i didnt really belive it. at this point i didnt even consider myself in labor. then my midwives came and checked me i was still in early labor and dilated to only 2 maybe 3. they decided to kick start it and gave me something herbal to boost contractions cause my cervix needed a kick start. after 2 doses my contractions came 2 - 3 minutes part and lasted for a minute at least each one. that was about 3. i got very emotional cause of all the hormones and cried for about an hour between contractions. not cause they hurt tho but more cause me and crow couldnt agree on a name for baby and other little things like that. 

she checked me at about 5 pm and i was 8 cent it seemed like any time i could push BUT the baby wasnt in the right position and everytime i had a contraction he squirmed around so frantically and it hurt me even worse. i was stalled out at 9 cent for 2 hours with a swollen cervix. they put me in the tub to try and relax me cause at this point i wasnt allowed to push cause it would damage my cervix even more and make it longer. i was so out of it at this point, i was exhausted and the contrax were a min apart. they gave me some stuff to try to help the cervix melt away and to quell my anxiety. then i felt him him get into the right position! YES FINALLY! 

it took me a contraction to get out of the tub and one in the hallway and i was like THIS BABY IS COMING NOW! everyone got so excited! we got into my room and i got into the bed and had a massive contraction that broke my water. with the next one i pushed and his head came out, my daughter scarlette helped to deliver his head! she was so proud and i was too! guess what came out with his head and was the cause of the swollen cervix? HIS HAND! he came out hand first LOL. with one more push he came out i only had to push twice! he came out in a huge gush of fluid. and was so perfect and big! i was so amazed and so was everyone else! he was so huge! his hands his feet. his little rolls of fat on his neck and arms! everyone was laughing and crying and hugging! it felt so good! i couldnt belive i did it and that he was finally out! he is so brown and looks like chico! oh i love him so much! his placenta and umbilical cord were perfect the midwives say they never seen a more beautiful one. it was tho LOL, we all looked and it looked like a tree with a perfect spiral cord, it was thick too. they weighed him and he was 9 pds 4 oz! born at 7:35 i was like OMG! we all were laughing! 

so roll call for the birth: Mommy, Daddy, my Mom, Crows Mom, my Uncle, my Aunt, my Cousin, my Friend, my neice and our 2 olders boys the 2 older girls and chico. plus the midwives it was a perfect birth for a perfect baby. Zoe is a wonderful midiwfe and my only regret is that i dont have a pic of her. 

Coda Jameson Crow Seitcham 

so i am sore! but happy! tired but content. the kids are very happy and chico well he is chico LOL i got to eat chinese food after he was born! my uncle ordered for me i pigged out and hopped into bed and loved up my son and my crow (who was sick btw all day and didnt say anything cause he was worried about me) so guess who decided to be awake every hour LOL he nurses like a pro and wont get off! we think he is trying to get to 10 pds by the end of the week! i gave him a soother my nips were damned sore!

i remember birth slick flesh warm on my chest little limbs grasping me with knowledge this is my mother tears of joy relief LOVE <3

good to know info when ur preggo!

Red Rasberry Leaf Tea helps to tone and get the uterus muscles ready for labor and delivery, i love this stuff and will be drinking alot of it from now on! the nice thing is you can make it into a iced tea too! this can be safely used thru out the pregnancy and is full of vitamins (calcium and vit C) you can also add rosehips for flavor or mint and is very healthy... 2-3 cups a day in the 3rd tri is good to get that uterus in shape! this also helps after birth to get the uterus back down to size quickly and with less bleeding! cuz you know we all want that!

Nettle Tea got tons of vitamins (Vitamins A, C, D and K, calcium, potassium, phosphorous, iron and sulphur are particularly abundant in nettles) helps relive leg cramps and vit k helps mama and baby after delivery. so good for your kidneys as well and i highly reccomend anyone with kidney issues to start asap! it also helps with milk production! 1-2 cups a day starting at 34-36 weeks altho it can be taken thruout the 3rd tri and is full of iron and will help with fatigue or feeling winded as well

Evening Primrose Oil i will be taking 2 500 mg caplets a day starting at about 34 weeks and then at 36 weeks will be also massaging the oil from two caplets into my cervix as well as the oral dose (i have scarring on my cervix :( which makes dilating a more longer and difficult process then it should be) if you are not comfortable with the cervix massage then you can double the oral dose... this helps soften the cervix and prepare it for labor and will facilitate dilating and make it an easier faster process...

Castor Oil to induce labor, this will give you bad cramps and diahrea and hopefully stimulate contractions. i have used it and worked all the times except for one so not bad! it worked for the majority of the women i have reccomended it to but not all so if you want baby out and are not bothered by the gross part then no harm in trying. the only downside is the diahrea makes you dehydrated so keep your fluids up while trying this! i make my own drink of lemons salt and sugar to drink during labor =) you can subsitute the sugar for honey. ok anyways on to taking it this is how i do it one full 4-5 oz bottle in a glass of orange juice with a egg beaten into it drank quickly after mixing (it seperates) its best do drink it all asap! DONT PUKE... then the waiting game... within 3 hours it should start if not take another dose, if nothing happens then give it a rest for a day or so and try again if you want! please take a nice hot bath or shower after.... you can also apply to stomach topically and cover with a hot cloth as well but not as effective...

To start labor Black and Blue Cohosh tincture or Labor Tincture for the B&B start in the morning dont eat then take 20 drops in a warm water every hour for about 5 hours eat a light meal and continue every hour for another 5 hours if nothing happens then stop and try again in another couple days. if you are in labor and your contractions are not effective or strong then take the tincture every hour for a few hours til contractions are strong and effective you should not need it anymore by then =) all labor tinctures come with thier own ingredients and instructions and you can google them =) if i cant get the stuff i used one time from my mywife (its made locally) then i will use the B&B if im desperate to try and get baby out lol

Rescue Remedy (i use it all the time) in labor, to help calm you, especially if you are experiencing panic and anxiety while in labor because of the pain. it is amazing i could not have lived without in my last labor and post partum i highly reccomend it to women who have panic and anxiety already or a history of post partum baby blues or depresssion. Pulsatilla or Windflowers OMG this saved me in my last labor and is so good please google for all the wonderful information you can get for it. it was in little tablets and i was panicing and crying and generally dithering around and my midwives gave it to me and OMG the change and the help i needed! Aconite tablets also work for this really well

Arnica is good post partum to help with bruising and faciltate healing it helps with muscle strain as well

there is tons more if anyone wants it let me know and i will help out as much as i can!

I'm only human
I'm only new to this earth
I'm struggling I'm hurting
I'm making mistakes in this life

my path is unclear 
beset by obstacles
I'm lost alone and afraid
I don't know where to turn

I have my cubs to rear
we are learning together 
I make mistakes
we all learn from them 

united together my cubs I 
we are strong and loving
apart we grow weak and suffer
our lives are forever entwined 

nothing is stronger then our bond
nothing is more then our birth story
no one can love them as deeply
our hearts beat together our bodies one

I was not taught to be a mother
I made my way own with them
my issues and choices have hurt 
I own that I own my fear I hurt too

we jumped in the river together
learning to swim finding our path
getting stronger we swam faster
one cub still on the bank

come with us we pleaded
we love u we cried
unsure her pain so large
my cub is lost in the woods

wanting us and fearful 
her cries so loud
my heart breaks 
the disance so wide

balky and angry she lashes out
refusing to swim losing her own way
I love u I love u I love u
is the message my heart flashes

I am strong in love
I am open armed and vulnerable
I am waiting for you to learn
I am waiting for you to swim with me my cub

I too am learning
learn with me
take the leap
I will catch you

Scarlette I love you and miss you we can do this together <3